The Family Law News Blog

Sick yuppies fight for child custody "to spite each other, and as evidence of virtue" in "What Maisie Knew"

"What Maisie Knew", the only Henry James book I've ever read, is very worthwhile reading for family lawyers or anyone else interested in divorce and child custody. It reminds us how long these horrible situations have been going on, and that it's not human nature that has changed, but the circumstances in which the better or the worse aspects of human nature are allowed and encouraged to be acted out. (My 1950s copy is illustrated by Edward Gorey!)

Now it's a movie, and whether you see it or not, and/or read the book, this review by A.O. Scott is a good place to start.

"Adult Head Games, Focused on a Child" - NY Times 5/2/13

 

Women gain in economic power, but many fear they'll be bag ladies

"Six in 10 women describe themselves as the primary breadwinners in their households, and 54% manage the family finances, according to the poll by Allianz Life Insurance Company of North America. Even so, 49% fear becoming a bag lady ..." This includes 27% of women earning more than $200,000 a year"and 43% of married women.

More: "Almost half of American women fear becoming bag ladies, study says" - By Walter Hamilton, L.A. Times

 

You think you see domestic violence. Do you belittle it & MYOB? Or kick down the door?

Charles Ramsey Demonstrates Bystander Intervention

By Amanda Marcotte - Pandagon - 5/7/13

Why the word "Visitation" makes a mediator cringe: "You don’t visit your children, you parent them"

Visitation…My Least Favorite Word

By Lorraine Breitman

Change to federal regulation denying credit cards to stay-home parents

CFPB Finally Fixes the “Anti-Housewife” Rule

By Martha C. White in TIME, May 02, 2013

". . . On Monday, the CFPB updated existing regulations so it will be easier for stay-at-home spouses to get credit cards. . . . At a Congressional hearing last June, Shelley Moore Capito (R-WV), chair of the House Financial Services Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit challenged the CFPB and said the rule was a threat to women in abusive relationships and could create an added burden on those who are divorced or widowed, or who don’t work while their spouse is serving in the military."

What it looks like when parental child abduction taken seriously, for once

Fairfax Police Searching for Missing 5-Year-Old Boy

Cameron Serafin, 5, was supposed to be returned to his father on Sunday; authorities have issued a warrant for his mother.

• By William Callahan in Arlington Patch

Non-ordained marriage celebrant law unconstitutional - Fairfax, Virginia judge

A Virginia law governing marriage celebrants discriminates against religions that do not have ordained ministers. Circuit Court Chief Judge Dennis J. Smith said the law violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. The law says non-ordained ministers must post a $500 bond, and congregations without clergy may only have one marriage celebrant. Four Sikhs challenged the law with help from the ACLU

via www.washingtonpost.com - "Fairfax judge finds state law on marriage celebrants unconstitutional"

Cardinal McCarrick: Divorce, unwed births much worse than gay marriage

"The cardinal said he considers divorce and children born out of wedlock a greater social problem than same-sex marriage. 'Same-sex marriage is not at this point prevalent in our society, and probably won’t be' because gays are a minority, McCarrick said. Children whose parents divorce or are born out of wedlock, he added, 'find themselves out on a limb,' which 'is a serious problem in our society.'”

via www.newsmax.com - Thursday, 28 Mar 2013

"DC Cardinal McCarrick: Church Will Push for Immigration, Gun Safety"

Crucial advice for divorcing, staying married, work, any other relationship: "5 ways you incur hatred"

YOU, yes you, need to read this. The strong language may bother you, but you'll be hearing much worse language if you don't heed this advice, no matter how religious you are. 

"Five Ways You're Accidentally Making Everyone Hate You"

By David Wong on www.cracked.com via Northern Virginia attorney Tim Beason.

Marriage Skills Education: What is it? Why do we need It? An expert goes back to basics.

People who work with marriage education have so much to say about it that it is sometimes hard to find a summary of the basics: What is it? Does it work? How? Who needs it? How is it different from therapy or pastoral counseling?

That last one is still a widespread and tragic misunderstanding. Couples don't know about marriage education or don't explore it because, as they say, "We tried counseling." And legislators and policymakers, even those trying to encourage people to get help for their marriages, often don't understand that it isn't "counseling", and can be delivered by trained lay people.

Seth Eisenberg of PAIRS, one of the leading marriage education curricula, addresses this need in his new article, "The ABCs of Marriage and Relationship Education". On the things that I'm an expert in, I sometimes get so involved in them that it gets harder to explain the basics in a way that people understand, but on the other hand, when I make an effort to do that, I actually learn more: I discover new connections between different parts of the field, and new reasons why it's relevant and important in terms of my basic values in my own life and our shared values as a society. That is definitely going on in Seth's article as he summarizes the key lessons of Marriage Skills Education and how they are instilled not merely by reciting them, but through training and practice.

"To say we cannot turn back the clock is to say that human beings cannot learn from experience."

Friedrich Hayek, as quoted by David Frum. 

Couples, Clergy Call for Va. Same-Sex Marriage at Arlington Court House

Circuit Court Clerk Paul Ferguson said he would not make a court case out of it by forwarding same-sex marriage license applications to the judges, but “I’m glad to accept the applications – I’ll keep them on file. ... I believe that having the opportunity to tell their stories and how the law affects them is why some same-sex couples have taken the time to apply for a marriage license in the Arlington Circuit Court, even though they realize it will be denied.” 

More at: Same-Sex Couples Say Staying in Virginia Worth It, Despite Lack of Legal Recognition

Sun Gazette February 15, 2013 

Kansas gov't sues sperm donor for child support

"Kansas Sues Sperm Donor for Support, Says Written Waiver of Parental Rights Is Not Valid"

- ABA Jnl. via Kansas family lawyer Ron Nelson

Illinois same-sex marriage bill looks on track to pass & be signed

Same-sex marriage bill heads to Illinois state Senate floor

- Reuters 1/3/13

115,000 Women Yearly Lose Health Insurance in Divorce - Most Stay Uninsured

This is one of those things divorce lawyers really dislike in certain cases, but we pretty much take it for granted and don't think much about the possibility of changing it. It's a huge issue for unemployed and underemployed women -- and men, too. Although the article below doesn't even bother to report how many men become uninsured.

115,000 Women a Year Lose Health Insurance Through Divorce - Yahoo News

 

Court suspends law banning "orientation change" therapy; constitutional challenge

California: State Ban on Therapy to Change Gays Is Put on Hold

- AP 12/21/12

"A three-judge panel of the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit on Friday put a hold on a new California law that bans therapy focused on turning gay minors straight. The court issued an injunction until it can hear full arguments. The law was scheduled to take effect Jan. 1 ... therapists and counselors who use “sexual orientation change efforts” on clients under 18 would be engaging in unprofessional conduct and subject to discipline by state licensing boards. This month, two federal judges in California arrived at opposite conclusions on whether the law violates the Constitution."

Gingrich, Bob Barr now support gay marriage

Newt Gingrich Supports “Reality” Of State-Sanctioned Marriage Equality

By Chris Geidner, Buzzfeed.com

Are we having the wrong marriage debate?

"Are we having the wrong marriage debate?"

By Reihan Salam - Reuters OCTOBER 19, 2012

Could Early Warning/Prevention Notices get people on the same page to save their marriage before it's too late?

Could a written Early Warning/Divorce Prevention Notice get people on the same page to save their marriage before it's too late? I'm speaking about that this morning at the NARME (National Association for Relationship and Marriage Education) conference in Baltimore.

We have two suggested forms posted for comment on the  Early Warning and Prevention Notices site. The short version:

I am giving you this notice because I believe our marriage has serious problems that may lead to separation or divorce.

Information about marriage education and counseling resources is available from: 
http://www.smartmarriages.com
http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org
http:// www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com

And the version by family therapists Bill Doherty and Bob Tures:

I love you, and I have grave worries about our future.  I don't feel I have done a good enough job explaining myself to you when we talk.  So when I came across the idea of sending you written notice of my concerns, I decided to send you this letter in hopes that we can save our marriage before it is too late. 

I am giving you this written notice that our marriage has serious problems that may lead to separation or divorce.  I do not want our marriage to end, and I will work with all my might to preserve it.  But I need you to recognize that our marriage is on the brink of divorce and to work with me to save it.

 I'm still committed to this marriage, and would like to build a strong foundation for a lifetime of marriage with you. But ignoring issues and problems will probably make them worse. I want to do this hard work with you now, before it's too late. 

 There is help available to us, and I want you to get help with me.  Some of it is available in the form of marriage education and marriage-supportive counseling.  More information, ideas, and referrals to classes and counselors to rebuild our marriage  can be found at:

http://www.smartmarriages.com
http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org
http:// www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com

The Great Divorce: It's About Deep Choices

In an ordination sermon at my church today, Bishop James Magness, Bishop for the Armed Services, talked about C.S. Lewis's little book, The Great Divorce. He shared some amazing insights, some of which I couldn't discern through his accent. But it reminded me what an important book this is. Even if you're like me and you tend to avoid theological or philosphical authors even when they're very popular, perhaps especially when their real popularity is in some other area, you won't choke on this one: it's extremely short, and it's fiction, though full of truth. 

What does this have to do with the kind of divorce I work with? Sorry, some divorces are not as bad as others, but I don't know of any that have been "great." And yet, on reflection, the most important thing about this book is also the most important thing about the path of divorce. The Great Divorce is about human beings making choices, choices that are bigger than life and death. And about even more people not making, and refusing even to recognize, choices.

In the greatest divorces, people learn, usually with difficulty, that they are responsible for making their own choices; they take counsel and time to see, as clearly as they are able, what the consequences would be for them and for others, and they take responsibility for their choices and the consequences. They do so in a way that respects their own needs and inherent value, and also those of the other family members and the professionals and institutions they work with. When they stand for their choices rather than avoiding them or pretending that someone else made them, they more often make choices that integrate with other people's choices and needs.

Some of my clients' best actions and decisions have been in Collaborative Divorce, but not all of them: in marital reconciliations, in conventional settlement negotiation, in mediation, and in litigation, both in victory and defeat, in resolving issues, and even sometimes in deciding to leave them unresolved and unpursued, clients can give a divorce lawyer glimpses of greatness.