EVERY other weekend for the past four and a half years, I've spent three
precious days with my two adolescent daughters. We play tennis in summer, ski in
winter, travel when the school schedule allows. But no matter where we are,
we're all keenly aware of the thin membrane of secrecy that keeps us from being
as close as we were before their mom and I divorced.
Like most divorced fathers, I'm caught in exactly the kind of nightmarish
situation that experts on stress say to avoid — a great deal of responsibility,
but very little power. I'm the major source of support for my children; my
financial obligations are set by the state, and my wages automatically
garnished. (If I lost my job tomorrow, and couldn't keep up with my payments, a
warrant for my arrest would be issued within two months.) But my influence over
how my daughters are being raised is limited, sometimes by decisions their
mother makes that I have no input into, and sometimes by their allegiance to her
when she and I are at odds.
In fact, there are times when these two girls, whom I've loved for a decade
and a half, seem like little strangers to me. They'll forget to tell me some
detail of their lives — or downright lie if they have to — so I won't feel sad
that I've missed something they shared with their mom, or raise issue over some
decision she's made with which I might not agree. As a result, I sometimes come
away from visits or phone calls feeling shaken, saddened and angry.
My ex and I have been to court over support issues, and we've been to court
over custody issues, and the legal battles inevitably trap our children in the
middle and force them to choose sides. Sadly, this is exactly what not to do if
you want to foster a loving parent-child bond. In a study by a child
psychologist, Robert E. Emery, divorcing parents were assigned — by flip of the
coin — either to mediate or litigate their custody disputes. Twelve years later,
he found, that in families that went through mediation, the noncustodial parent
was several times more likely to have weekly phone contact with his or her
children.
Unfortunately, the system that our government has set up essentially forces
divorced parents into litigation. We need to bring children and their divorced
parents, especially fathers, closer together by revisiting our reckless support
and custody laws, and the haphazard approach we have toward enforcing them.
Since 1998, the federal government has provided matching funds based on a
percentage of money the states collect in child support — a powerful financial
incentive for states to mandate and maximize support payments. As a result,
parents are discouraged from negotiating a settlement: only 17 percent of
current support agreements deviate from state-imposed guidelines, even though
studies show that when couples set their own support figure, it's more likely to
be paid (and tends to be higher than the state's figure).
And the court's involvement doesn't stop there. If Dad gets a raise, Mom
takes him back to court to get more money; when Dad suffers a financial setback,
he sues Mom to get his support decreased. Each time, the acrimony — and the
legal fees — grow.
But while courts will jail men who can't meet their support payments, mothers
who interfere with a father's custodial rights rarely face similar penalties.
Often, the only recourse for a dad who wants to see his children more often is
to sue, and sue and sue again.
Some fatherhood advocates argue that when mothers fail to carry through on a
custody ruling, they should face fines and imprisonment, just like fathers do.
That's started to happen: last fall, an Arkansas court sentenced a woman named
Jennifer Linder to six months in prison for "willfully and wantonly" refusing to
obey visiting orders and awarded custody to her former husband. But sending more
mothers to prison can only result in more anger, and more confusion and
alienation for the children in question. What is needed is less court
involvement, not more.
The first step toward fostering a father and child reunion is to make private
mediation of the parenting provisions (physical custody, legal custody and
visiting) the standard procedure. Allowing parents the chance to negotiate their
support — and possibly give fathers more of a say in how their support is spent
— will decrease the vitriol, and let fathers feel more like parents, not just
paychecks.
Second, we need to enact and enforce sensible penalties for interfering with
visits. Jailing a mother is no way to solve the dispute; neither are financial
penalties that hurt her ability to care for the child. But mediation — perhaps
compelled by the threat of financial penalty — might be the solution. It's
estimated that one in five children of divorce has not seen his or her father in
the past year. Without substantial rethinking of our current support and custody
law, children will continue to be alienated from their fathers, and lawyers will
remain on hand to soak up the resulting legal fees.
Just this month, I received a summons to attend a custody conference at the
Allentown, Pa., courthouse, and another letter informing me that an accounting
error has left me short on support payments, and that my passport may be
suspended. I want to shield my daughters from these harsh truths. So these are
the secrets I'll be trying to keep from them as we gather together for Father's
Day.
What secrets will they be keeping from me?
Stephen Perrine, the editor in chief of Best Life magazine, is
the author of the forthcoming "Desperate
Husbands."
