Tell Your Story/Get Involved in Divorce Prevention in Your State

How to use this blog

Ever since we started a divorce law reform group in 1997, people from all walks of life, religious and secular; right, left, centrist and non-political; have written to us to ask or propose what they can do about divorce, and to share their stories, whether from their own divorce, their parents' divorce, their work with divorcing families, or other involvement. To tell your story, share ideas, or ask others to join your state or local effort, post a comment to this message.

My Divorce Became an Expensive, Two Year Nightmare, Wrecked Friendships

I am filing a complaint for "excessive, unethical and unstubstantiated legal action. My divorce went from a "consideration" to a two year, $75,000 nightmare that wrecked relationships from family to extended family to friends. All because of a exploiting, greedy lawyer. I have documentation that includes perjury within depositions, commissioner's hearings, and actual court hearings. This marriage may have been saved or at least a lot less disastrous if not for the Ky. legal network.

Bill W

Time Usually Heals Wounds But Current Laws Don't Allow For Time

I think the bill is a wonderful idea. I've been through 3 no fault divorces, 2 involving children and they probably wouldn't have occurred had this bill been inacted. In at least one instance when 4 children were involved my spouse admitted she had made a mistake by leaving but I had already remarried. Time usually heals wounds and the current laws don't allow for the healing to occur. This bill would be complimented by mandatory marriage counseling before divorce proceedings. I think Kentucky has a version of the counseling but it doesn't seem to be strictly enforced. The intact family is a basic building block in America and many have been destroyed(for lack of a better word) by current no fault divorces. You have my support.
Mr. Carol K

We Should Make Divorce Harder To Get

Yes I believe that we need a complete change in the way we address divorces in New England. I have been the sponsor of the covenant Marriage Law in Maine and I fought to get this passed, but this state legislature did not take it seriously. The Catholic church was dead against it. I believe that we should make divorce harder to get. I also believe that this state should include Adultery as a reason for the Judge to grant the divorce. Any material you can send me would be great. I can submit legislation next year before November.
Sincerely,
Lois

Her Reason Was She Wanted To Find Herself

The divorce laws in the state of Maine are a sick joke. When a marriage of 30 years can go through without some kind of counseling been done. When the abandoned party must sell the house they built together to pay the other part off, something is sadly wrong. There are times when this might be needed. In this case there nothing other than irreconcilable differences. She told me just days before moving out while I was at work that there was nothing we could not work out. I guess I'm still very hurt and it's been 2 years. You see men are hurt also. She has no one else. Her reason was she wanted to find herself. Is there any way I can help change the law?
Norm R

Kids Deserve More Than This

Hi, my ax grinder is going strong today. It may be the class I am taking on Women's Welfare Reform, who knows? But here is my brief heavy story. I have been a single parent for 5 years now. My ex takes his son 4 nights a month. During the divorce settlement hearing the judge was well aware of my ex-husband’s disinterest in seeing his son more than this, though the judge put the 4 nights per month into the decree (he stated he rarely put visitation into a decree) he then verbally added that my sons father SHOULD take him every other school vacation and part of the summer. Guess what, he takes him 4 nights a month. Is this fair to my son, to me? Do not get me wrong, I love my son dearly and enjoy motherhood, but something is wrong with this. Kids deserve more than this. Most children in these circumstances are living in poverty or very close to it, they are also impoverished emotionally for it. The men are allowed to walk, leaving responsibility of raising children, keeping a home, trying to make a living and being everywhere at once upon the mothers. Their financial lot improves while the single parent is trying to make ends meet and establish a "career" for themselves along with providing quality parenting to the child. I am not a bitter divorcee, I just think something is wrong with this picture. What can I do? I would appreciate any guidance you may have.
Michelle P

In The State of Maryland, Adultery Is A Misdemeanor, Punishable By A $10 Fine.

I would very much like to begin working on Divorce Reform in the state of Maryland, specifically the issue of Adultery. My brother's wife left him for another man, took his children, and the state has awarded her $950 in Child Support (55% of his take-home income) and provided temporary custody of the children to the wife until the divorce is final. She is living with the man for whom she left my brother.

I have found a dozen or so individuals, male and female, on whom their spouses cheated and in doing so, devastated their lives. They are each "recovering" but after reviewing the system, I am completely disheartened to learn some of the following facts:

1. In the state of Maryland, Adultery is a misdemeanor, punishable by a $10 fine.
2. In the state of Maryland, because of the meager fine, criminal
adultery is no longer prosecuted.
3. State law is state law but each county within Maryland enforces it
the way they want. She left my brother in Wicomico County, took the children to Carroll County (over 100 miles away) filed in Carroll County AND because she filed first and "took up residence" in Carroll County, my brother has to travel the distance to defend himself.
4. In the state of Maryland, Adulterous behavior is not considered when determining, at least in this case, preliminary custody of the children. What does this do for future generation who are allowed to see this as an ACCEPTABLE behavior example?
5. In the state of Maryland, because the children's "interest" (truthly
from what I see it is only their monetary interest) is seperate from the entire divorce process, a parent can take the children and keep them as Financial Hostages, allowing the guardian spouse (and in this case the adulterous spouse) to collect funds for immoral behavior.
6. In the state of Maryland, again because the children's "interest" is
seperate from the entire divorce process, Adultery is not an issue when deciding what is "best" for the children.

I could go on at this time, but it could be forever.

What I would really like to do is create a local forum of individuals
hurt by adultery. Have these individuals meet for a Saturday (full or
half day) and discuss strategies for introducing change to our state
legislature.

I'm hoping this group could provide some ideas.

Richard K

I Am Very Interested In Seeing The Divorce Laws Changed

As a 58 year old woman whose husband left her over 2 years ago, I am very interested in seeing the divorce laws changed. My husband filed for divorce about 6 weeks ago. I spent most of my married life as a fulltime mother and am not prepared to support myself as a 60 year old single woman. Now, totally against my will, I have to give up our house, half of the assets that we have accumulated (including part of my inheritance), and find a job that will pay me enough to take care of myself. I am EXTREMELY angry, sad, and afraid. I am willing to do whatever I can to see the current abominable divorce laws changed, even though it's too late to help me. My current job pays me only $31,000 a year.

Janice B.

Counseling Should Be Mandatory Before Divorce

I was recently divorced after 22 months of separation. We had been married almost 22 years when she moved out of our house and in with her then-recently-widowed mother. She filed immediately after leaving, saying we "had nothing in common" and "were incompatible" and it "would be better for the boys". Neither of us were involved with another person then, nor are we now. She would not attend counseling, saying it would be a waste of time and money, as she "had been thinking about it for a long, long time". She later told me she had been thinking about it for 13 years. No prior mention of marriage problems had ever been spoken between us, or by her to any members of her family. I did everything in my power to preserve our marriage and family, with 2 boys, now 17 and 11 years old. Now I praise God that I am released from the bonds of this unequally yoked marriage. Instead of praying for our marriage reconciliation, I now pray for her reconciliation to God, through Jesus Christ. I would not reconcile with her now unless I saw a true "born again" change of heart in her, manifested by the Fruit of the Spirit. I know that free will is involved and a counselor cannot force a mate to have a change of heart, but it seems that counseling should be made mandatory and given a chance when one mate wants a divorce, especially when minor children are in the family. What, if anything, is being done in Michigan in this regard?
 Jim K

Our Society Has Done Nothing To Maintain An Intact Family For The Sake Of The Children

I am contacting you to find out how I can support and work for divorce reform in Michigan. I have just read the Model Act and applaud your efforts to bring some sense of reason to the insanity of facilitating the breakdown of the family unit. If such an Act had been in place in Michigan two years ago, I would still be married to the woman I love and my two children would have a complete family. As it is I am divorced and our children now have, as my 12 year old son says, "3/8 of a family....3/4 of a whole family half the time". The provisions of the Model Act allowing the defendant to refuse to allow the family to be destroyed will bring the issue of the moral and ethical responsibility to the children squarely to the forefront as THE major reason to maintain an intact family. My son has also told me that he thinks divorce should be illegal; when asked why he said simply and clearly, "Because it hurts kids". Though we as a society have put many programs into effect to deal with the aftermath of divorce and its affect on the kids, we have done nothing to maintain an intact family for the sake of them. We must change that NOW!. I admire your work and would like to help here in Michigan in any way I canto bring about change. It is sadly too late for our children, and me but perhaps I can save others from the pain and life altering alternatives now offered by our state. Please let me know if I can be of any help to you. God bless your work! Roger G

I Am An Individual Who Has Experienced Divorce on Almost All Sides

I am an individual who has experienced divorce on almost all sides. I am a non-custodial parent and a custodial parent. My first wife left me, taking our two children and my second wife left, leaving me with our two children (which I wouldn't have any other way). I have always hated divorce. I would like to do whatever I can to rectify our present laws in this area. I would stand on a soapbox if given opportunity. Please send me information on laws here in Michigan and the names of public officials who are supporting whatever bills that are being presented. I would like to contact them directly to offer my assistance to them. Also if you could send me information on how I could be an advocate in this matter. I thank you for your stance in this matter to not only salvage, but to resurrect the American family to it's strong resource it used to be.

Sincerely,
Mitchell G

My Husband Decided To Take Up With Another Woman And Leave Me

I would love to testify at a hearing for divorce reform. I was married for 29 years. My husband decided to take up with a younger woman and leave me. He said I couldn't do anything about it because we have no-fault divorce in Michigan, and he didn't have to prove why he was leaving me. He's very proud of what he did, and brags to everyone. I would still not want to be married to this man, but I think things should have been made a little harder for him. I will be glad to help in any way I can to help other husbands and wives who encounter this.

I Feel The Person Who Caused the Divorce Should Not be Entitled To Anything

I am a male age 31 who is going thorough a divorce in Michgan. Why do women have so many right when it comes to divorce? In Michigan it is considered a no-fault state! That means wichever party cheated on the other they have the right to get half of your equity weather they were in the wrong or not! Why is this so? I feel the person who caused the divorce should not get any thing entitled to them! I have to pay my wife half of the equity in my house for cheating on me for the last year but I can't say or do any thing to stop this because of the no-fault law that is in effect! How can I if anything get around this? Is there no compassion for the innocent people who have done nothing wrong?

Jim B.

It Is Too Easy To Get Out Of Marriage

Married 16 years; four children. My husband files for divorce. Stops the divorce, comes home for three months and decides he still wants a divorce. I am outraged about the no-fault divorce laws. I am a defendant, yet I have no "say-so" as to what happens to this relationship. I believe that if the law was different, my husband would have worked at this and we could remain a family. It is too easy to get out. I am furious. What can I do to help legislate changes in Michigan?

Thank You,
Kathy G

Blindsided

Married 15 years I had a spouse who was not willing to rebuild the marriage or face her problems with it. I had my share and still deal with them. She, on the other hand, just wanted her way out. Her affair of almost one year was reactivated after our divorce. Secretly, for he is married. I worked like hell to keep all together, but one day someone showed up at my office with the papers. Blindsided.
So...whats next?
M. D.

I Am In The Middle Of A Nasty Divorce

I am in the middle of a nasty divorce, but after it is over, I would like to help work on reform in the state of Minnesota. Please tell me what is being done (if anything) and how we can go about it. I have a contact with a state representative who agrees that there needs to be some reform.
John W

Marriage is a Contract

I do not understand why I cannot be granted a divorce on the grounds of adultery and "get everything". A marriage is a contract, and if one person breaks that contract, they have to give up their stake in the marriage, just as you would in business. I don't believe in equitable distribution in this situation and I don't understand why attorneys and judges allow all the negotiating and litigation to occur...There are no attorneys standing by at the marriage ceremony, but they are ready and willing to handle a divorce much as you would conduct battle. When is someone going to protect the rights of those who are innocent - the faithful spouse and the children?
Ruth G

Getting a Driver's License is Far More Demanding Than Getting a Marriage License

I have read some convinvcing reasons for making customized prenups mandatory as opposed to blindly accepting the government's prenup. The main points center on the benefits of open communication, demonstration of love and care for one's future spouse in any event (like life insurance), and frank and realistic discussion about financial issues. Furthermore, if a separation does occur, the individuals already know and have agreed upon the terms of the divorce thereby sparing the court system and judges for hearing domestic disputes, which is not purpose of government.

Getting a drivers license is far more demanding than getting a marriage license. Why do we have no standards, no tests, no requirements for something so important? Mandatory customized prenups are a small price to pay to help minimize the probability of failure, where the cost to children and society is enormous.

Is anything being done to promote mandatory customized prenups?
Forest T

I Am So Glad To See an Organization Standing For Marriage

This is wonderful. I am so glad to see someone or some organization standing for marriage. My husband and I minister to couples who are struggling in their marriages and who need a renewed knowledge of what the marriage covenant truly is. You do not say if your organization is Christian based or not, but I suspect that the values which trigger the motives for Divorce Reform are based in biblical teaching. If you have information about what might be happening toward Divorce Reform in the state of Missouri I would be very interested in it. I could donate some time to assisting the cause. Sincerely, Pamela S

Divorce Laws in Missouri Discriminate Against Men

I am currently going through a divorce and would like to find out what groups or persons, if any, are working to reform the laws in Missouri. Missouri, as you probably know, is a no-fault divorce state and all the laws pertaining to divorce are totally written with the mother or woman in mind and totally discriminate against the father or man. Even the wording is discriminating. The father has to prove everything and the mother nothing. She can use the system at will. My wife left me in adultery, filed a false exparte the day she left and even told me she did it so I couldn't get the kids. When she asked for a divorce I told her lets discuss what we are going to do as far as custody and so forth. Three days later she files on me.I have had my children most of the time since she left and now she said she is giving me custody and I have them all the time. She doesn't even pick them up. BUT, I still have to prove they live with me and she does whatever she wants, does not help me with the kids and threatens me constantly with filing an exparte if I disagree with her. Please tell me someone I can contact concerning reform of the current laws here. I have written congressman but never get a reply. Their main concern seems to be self interest and where is the money.
Jason H.

Change to Current Divorce Laws Would Result in Less Broken Homes

I am trying to change the divorce laws in the entire United States. I am forming a group, PADIA, people against divorce in america. My goal is to generate my own bill. I know nothing of how to get started, I am asking for your help.

My goal for the bill is this:

1. there needs to be an agreement on both parts to divorce under a "no fault" divorce (i would like to see this eliminated all together)
2. you must have been married a minimum of three years in order to file for divorce
a. in situations where physical, mental, and or sexual abuse is a
factor there will be exceptions
b. alcohol and drug addictions are an exception
3. both parties must have undergone marriage counseling before filing
4. in the event that we can eliminate the "no fault" divorce all together, you must be able to prove the marriage irretrievable

The end result for the fight to change the current divorce laws is obvious. There will be less broken homes in America. People will be more apt to take a longer more thought out approach to getting married to begin with. Once America knows that the people do not tolerate divorce, the rate of people running out to get married will drop. What are we saying to the people anyway, go out, get married, try it for a while and if you don't like it get divorced? What about the children involved in the marriage, or the partnerwho is fightin to make it work? I know that this can work if we fight for
it. The way I see it the Constitution and the Declaration are signed under God, so is the marriage license. Noone is optioning to let America divorce from these promises, so why is it so easy to let them break the marriage vow? if you can provide me with some start to my campaign i would appreciate it. Maybe some contacts and how to start a bill? thank you for anything you can give me.

amanda f